Woman Falls Out of Moving Car

July 25, 2010 – 10:10 am

We’re no strangers to dangerous icy, winter roads, especially when navigating them with a two-door sportscar. So, we’ll be sure to take this cue on graciously falling out of a vehicle the next time our car uncontrollably slides down the street.

Tiger Outdueled Again!

July 25, 2010 – 10:10 am

In recent times, putting has been the weakness of Tiger Woods’ golf game. That’s no shock. That the world’s No. 1 player would choke away two huge tournaments — one a major, the other the first leg of the FedEx playoffs — actually is a shock. A big one. All Tiger had to do to grab a share of the lead on the final hole at the Barclay’s Championship was sink a nine-foot putt. He missed it badly, and suddenly, his clutch, game-day legacy is being sniffed at a bit, too.

Obama Wants To Take Your Tonsils Out

July 25, 2010 – 10:05 am

Sometimes it takes a comedian to translate what is meant by a mouth-frothing political commentator. Phillip Wilburn delivers on this Glenn Beck spoof about getting your tonsils removed.

Lykke Li - Possibility

July 25, 2010 – 10:05 am

Swedish indie phenom Lykke Li is yet another artist to grace the New Moon soundtrack and make us wonder if that movie knows how lucky it is. Thankfully, Possibility is free of longing, wistful gazes from Bella and various creatures of the night. Instead we are treated to a black-and-white live performance that with some extreme close-ups manages to be claustrophobic even without the presence of much else on stage.

Sarah Palin: Rogue Warrior

July 25, 2010 – 10:05 am

You know why you can’t stand the sight of her, right?

Because you’re an elitist who can’t handle a real American who kills stuff with her bare hands in her God-fearing state of Alaska.

If you find her unlikable because she speaks in shallow conservative boilerplate and doesn’t seem to have any goals outside of expanding brand Palin, then you’re just a pointy-headed liberal without five kids who hates this country.

(Sigh.) It’ll never end.

Memo to Bernie Goldberg on behalf of all liberals with special needs children,

Rot in hell you cruel small pathetic motherf*cker.

U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

July 25, 2010 – 10:05 am

The U.S. is facing serious global criticism in its use of Hillary Clinton against Pakistan. Many studies have shown that the use of weapons-grade Hillary Clinton causes more damage and danger to civilians than necessary, and is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Getting Engaged?

July 25, 2010 – 10:05 am

It looks like the Lion may ver well have fallen for the Lamb. Rumor has it that Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are contemplating engagement. Nothing will come to light before the release of New Moon in November, however, as the very idea of Pattinson being engaged will make fangirls shrink away from the box office like a vampire before garlic.

Racist KFC Commercial

July 24, 2010 – 10:10 am

Apparently, Australia has no idea of the American stereotype about fried chicken and black people. So when a commercial showing one white guy solving the “awkward situation” of being in an all-black crowd by subduing the people around him with with a bucket of chicken… People got pissed. KFC Australia didn’t really give an appropriate apology, instead claiming it was a joke referencing the West Indian cricket team. Riiiight.

Fat Guy vs. Frozen Pond: Who Ya Got?

July 24, 2010 – 10:10 am

We don’t know where this happened, but we’re betting somewhere near Wichita. Whatever. Fat people jumping into partially frozen bodies of water are a universal attraction. And this dude is REALLY fat. And that lake is REALLY frozen. Even odds folks, even odds. Pick your winner folks. Really is a toss up.

Stay Away From Politicians!

July 24, 2010 – 10:05 am

Wonkette’s David Brooks explains that you can’t trust a Republican that is within arm’s reach of you, if only because he needs human touch. Creepy!